Worthiness: Why It Matters (And Why It Doesn’t)
“A major part of manifesting is believing you’re worthy of what you’re asking for.”
All my life I have struggled to feel worthy, or even deserving, of what I wanted. I’ve begun to wonder if this issue is at the root of all my failures. Was it unconscious self-sabotage? Or was the universe truly matching my energy the way I’ve learned it tends to do? Am I now prepared to step into unknown territory (i.e. actually believing in myself) in order to try to achieve success?
Well really, at this point, what’s the worst that can happen?
In the spirit of this ^ attitude, I present to you my first blog post, on my first website, in a maneuver I am dubbing “a universal trust fall.” If everything I’ve learned in my adult life is correct, then the universe is going to catch me.
In November of 2016 I visited Salem, Massachusetts with one of my best friends from high school. It was only two days after Halloween, and having already witnessed the madhouse that Salem can be on Halloween, I honestly got chills seeing what a ghost town it becomes so soon after Spooky Season is over.
I acted as a bit of a tour guide for my friend and we made the rounds to some of my favorite spots, one of which was a delightful “joke shop” with an actual witchcraft section in the back. It was here that we were offered readings by their in-house tarot/oracle reader. We stared at each other, unprepared for this offer and obviously both simultaneously nervous and excited. I opted to go first, and ducked behind a heavy velvet curtain into a tiny nook to face my future.
This “fortune-teller” was nothing like I would have expected - she had bright purple braids and awesome makeup, and she was wearing a black and white baseball tee and black athleisure pants. She was so chill, and I was immediately drawn to her energy. She shuffled a deck of beautiful oracle cards and briefly explained to me her process. I did my best to follow along, trying hard to focus while feeling slightly overwhelmed. She explained through the cards all that I had been through in the last year or so (which had been a LOT), and made certain comments which gave me goosebumps for their uncanny accuracy.
She then said the one thing I will never forget: “You are just like me. You are a lightworker. You need to study the tarot.” I did my best to process this. How? When? Why? But our time was up. I thanked her and made my way to the till to pay for this strangely life-altering message I’d unexpectedly been given.
I took the next couple months to think over what she told me. (I’m that kind of person, who needs to consider things carefully and process over time.) But before 2016 was up, I finally bought my first tarot deck.
It took me a year to find a book on the tarot that actually made sense to me, and another year to invest in a handful of online courses which took me on a deep dive into the nitty-gritty and got me to a place where I felt comfortable offering readings to others. It’s been an extremely slow climb, but I think no matter what your pace is, it’s right to feel excited about progress of any kind.
However, I would be lying if I claimed my slow pace had nothing to do with fear, as well. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, and fear of being caught out and told I was unworthy or unqualified to do the work I know I’m meant to do. (Imposter syndrome, that nasty bastard.) But the key lesson I have learned is that worthiness is only a valid qualifier if it comes from within. Absolutely nobody except yourself has the right to tell you whether or not you’re worthy.
Welcome, my friends.
